Myth. Abuse is often hidden, and signs can be subtle, like mood changes, withdrawal, or anxiety. Abusers may isolate, manipulate, or threaten victims to stay silent. If you suspect abuse, listen, support, and encourage your friend to seek help.

It is not always obvious when a friend is experiencing domestic abuse. Some signs of domestic abuse may be subtle and therefore not immediately obvious or visible.  These can include changes in behaviour, mood, appearance, withdrawing from social activities, increased anxiety. 

Abusers may be maintaining control over their victims which can include isolating them from friends and family, manipulating them or gaslighting them into believing the abuse is their fault or threats to keep quiet.

If you suspect that a friend is experiencing domestic abuse it is important to listen to them, believe them, be non-judgmental, offer support and encourage them to seek help.

Abuse takes many forms including physical, emotional, psychological, financial, spiritual, sexual and may not be visible to others, even close friends.

Other signs can include injuries which may be explained away as an accident.

Signs can be missed or misinterpreted, particularly if the woman is hesitant to disclose abuse. 

If you don’t feel confident talking to your friend about abuse, you can call JWA for support about how to broach the subject.

“The support and care I received was amazing. I hadn’t understood what coercive control was and how he had pushed my family and friends away from me with his constant derogatory remarks. I now know that his constant scrutiny and criticism of every penny I spent was financial abuse.  I wish I’d reached out sooner.  Our lives are now much calmer and safer and we have a happier future to look forward to.” JWA Client

Myth. Children witnessing abuse are deeply affected, often experiencing anxiety, depression, and PTSD. The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 recognizes children as victims if they witness abuse. They may feel unsafe and sometimes blame themselves. Therapy and support can help them heal and recover.

Children are significantly affected by witnessing or being exposed to abuse between their parents.  The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 also recognises children as victims of domestic abuse if they “see, hear or otherwise experience the effects of abuse”.  Children exposed to domestic abuse often experience anxiety, depression and fear, leaving them feeling unsafe in their home – which should be their safe place. 

Witnessing abuse, even if the child is not directly the victim can cause post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) triggering flashbacks or nightmares.  Some children may blame themselves for the abuse, believing they are the cause of the conflict.

Children’s behaviour may change when they witness or hear parental abuse – they may become aggressive or withdrawn, their academic performance may be affected as they struggle to concentrate and they may have difficulty forming relationships with others.  Some teenagers may be more likely to engage in risky behaviours as a way of coping with their stress.

Children who grow up in an abusive household may struggle to form healthy relationships when they become adults.  They have a higher risk of either becoming abusive themselves or becoming victims of abuse, thereby continuing a cycle of abuse into the next generation.

Accessing JWA’s children’s therapy can significantly change these outcomes.

Myth. There are complex reasons why a woman may stay, including fear of the unknown, financial dependence, guilt, stigma, and concerns about separation from her children. Many know that leaving doesn’t guarantee the abuse will stop.

There are many and complex reasons why a woman doesn’t just leave her abuser.

Fear of the unknown, financial dependence, feelings of guilt or shame, fear and/or concerns around stigma, how she’ll be viewed by the community and not wanting to separate the father from his children.

Women know that the abuse won’t just stop when she separates from her partner.

Many women feel conflicted about what is the right action to take.

Additional reasons not to leave include concerns about children being ostracised in school, worrying about shidduchim (match making) for their children and the fear of not being believed, particularly if the husband is well-respected in the community.

It is important not to victim-blame the woman for not leaving. She needs understanding and compassion alongside information and resources with options to enable her to make informed decisions.

“Deep down I knew I should leave my partner, but I didn’t know how I would support my son and myself.  I also felt deep shame that my marriage hadn’t worked out. When I considered it all, I thought it might be easier to stay.”

Myth. Domestic abuse can affect anyone, regardless of background. However, it disproportionately impacts women—1 in 4 will experience it— and Jewish women are not exempt. Abuse exists across all communities, and women seeking help come from diverse religious and socio-economic backgrounds.

Domestic abuse affects men as well as women, though men are the perpetrators in the majority of cases.  1 in 6 men will experience domestic abuse at some time in their lives.  50% of these men are abused by women and 50% by male partners or other male relatives.

We also know that it takes an average of 6.5 years for a woman experiencing domestic abuse to come forward for help.  It takes Jewish women an additional 2.5 years more, so on average 9 years to seek support around domestic abuse. This is due to a variety of reasons including a sense of stigma, shame and fear around breaking up the family, when so much emphasis is placed on the importance of marriage; financial constraints, particularly in situations where traditional gender roles are followed, making it difficult for women to leave and support themselves independently; concerns about not being believed or supported, particularly in cases where their spouse is a well-respected community member.

Women accessing our service are equally spread across all levels of religious observance or none.

Myth. Jewish women may face unique challenges, including faith-based abuse and community pressures. Abusers might use religious texts to manipulate, deny women access to rabbinical advice, or refuse a Get (religious divorce). Women may also be afraid of being disbelieved and judged by their community.

Jewish women may face additional faith-based abuse as part of the pattern of abuse. For example, a perpetrator may use religious texts to control or manipulate their wife, violate the Laws of Purity and women may be denied access to religious advice from their Rabbi and be refused their Get (Religious divorce), further controlling or manipulating their wife.

Furthermore, regardless of the level of observance of Jewish women experiencing domestic abuse, in such a close-knit community it may be harder to leave due to fears or concerns that their community network will judge her.

Myth. Domestic abuse includes coercive control, a pattern of psychological, emotional, financial, or other abuse, which may not be physical. This form of abuse manipulates, isolates, and controls the victim, creating a power imbalance and causing long-term harm, even without physical violence.

A key feature of coercive control is the ongoing nature of the abuse, creating a state of fear, dependency, or helplessness in the victim.

Coercive Control is illegal and The Serious Crimes Act 2015 Section 76 explicitly criminalised this type of domestic abuse.

Isolation is a common feature of coercive control whereby the abuser prevents the victim from seeing or communicating with friends or family and limiting their support network by controlling where the victim goes or who they can speak to.

Controlling the family finances is another example of coercive control.  The abuser may control all the money, giving his wife an allowance, or forcing her to ask for permission to spend money, even on essential items like food.  Withholding access to bank accounts, credit cards, or preventing the victim from working or having financial independence are all ways to exercise coercive control.

Some abusers manipulate technological advances to increase their control and manipulation. JWA can provide support to combat tech abuse.

The abuser makes the victim question their reality by denying past events, distorting facts, or making them feel as if they are “crazy” or overreacting.

They can gaslight their partner into believing that they are imagining things or exaggerating when they raise concerns about the abusive behaviour.

Get refusal is also recognised as a form of coercive control as recognised through the passage of the Domestic Abuse Act 2021.

Myth. Abuse can continue after separation. Abusers may use family courts or financial abuse to continue control. Post-separation abuse can persist for years, causing emotional and psychological distress. JWA offers support through legal processes, practical support, and therapy to help women cope and secure their independence..

In many cases the period immediately following separation can be a time of higher risk as the abuser may increase violence and abuse as a form of retaliation for her leaving.  This involves women and their support  at JWA risk assessing and ensuring procedures are in place to best protect the woman and children from further harm

Some abusers continually take their ex-wives or partners through family court in order to cause distress and harm.  Many of these family issues around child contact, finances etc. are deliberately dragged out to cause the most harm, financially, emotionally & psychologically.  We have witnessed women being dragged back through court on multiple occasions.

At JWA we have recognised the importance of supporting women through this process.  We can provide introductions to family lawyers and McKenzie Friends who can support a woman in family court proceedings.  We have a Family Court IDVA – support worker – who can support women through the process, providing practical and emotional support and helping her to navigate the system with someone always by her side.

Financial abuse in general is another way of trying to maintain control after separating by not paying child support, or not paying agreed rent or mortgage in order to destabilise the family.

Post-separation abuse can continue for months or even years after separation. Women can remain fearful of accidentally meeting him –   even in public spaces – and remain constantly hyper-alert and vigilant of their surroundings.  JWA has provided therapy to help women to deal with the anxiety and to give her the tools to be able to cope with the ongoing challenges they face.

Myth. Young people (16-24 years old) are at the highest risk of experiencing relationship abuse (March 2022, ONS). They often experience coercive control, isolation from her family and friends, stalking via GPS and love-bombing.

Whilst domestic abuse is most commonly associated with married or cohabiting couples, young people form the largest age group who experience abuse.

Young people may experience coercive control, stalking, isolation, and sexual misconduct. Many are away from home for the first time, increasing vulnerability. Education on healthy relationships is key to prevention.

They often report the confusion which arises from their partner showering them with compliments and affection (‘love bombing’) in the initial stages of the relationship and in the immediate aftermath of the abusive incident(s), which is central to the abuse cycle for many women.

Our schools and youth education programme works across Jewish schools and settings to open conversations and help young people identify what is healthy and unhealthy in a relationship to prevent such abuse in future.